Well, today is Tri's first day of daycare and I'm a mess. I knew this day would come, it was difficult to go back to work last week, but I knew I'd get to see my sweet boy when I came home at lunch time. Randy had two weeks of paternity leave that he didn't take until Tri's 4th and 5th week, so it made my transition back to work a LITTLE easier. This morning I got up with Tri as usual for his early morning feeding, he slept from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m. this morning (who's the best boy!) and I LOVE my time nursing him. It's our special little bonding time and he's becoming more alert so we'll just stare at each other while he's nursing and I talk to him. Randy said he'd take Tri this morning to daycare, and although I knew it would make pumping & getting ready for work a little easier, I was sad to let him go! I packed up his diaper bag last night so that I would have everything ready for this morning. I packed his bottles & milk this morning, along with a long instructional note that I'm sure our daycare provider didn't need, and I cried when I kissed him goodbye in his car seat!
I knew today would be hard, I remembered from when my other kids were babies and they started daycare...but it never gets easier. Between these surging hormones & my self induced anxiety over the situation, I was ready to quit my job this morning on my drive to work! I kept thinking, why am I doing this to myself, shouldn't I be the one to get to take care of my baby? We only have a few short years with them before they head to school anyway! I realize that I need to be able to pay my mortgage and bills but I just feel like I'm missing out on a lot while I'm at work. Don't get me wrong I enjoy my work, and I'm sure most of these feelings are completely normal, but it truly makes me jealous of moms that get to stay home with their kids. What a gift.
Well, as I took a break this morning to pump (yes pumping is my life now, more on this in my next post!) I texted our daycare lady and told her I hoped Tri was being good for her, and that I was having a much harder time today than he was. She said he had his bottle around 9:45 a.m. she changed him, and now he's just lounging in the swing enjoying his day. I was almost upset that he's not sad and crying and missing me...but then I felt better knowing that he's doing just fine while I'm at work.
Motherhood is the most wonderful thing in the world. It changes you. It challenges you, rewards you, teaches you how to become completely selfless, and in those moments that you are hinging on insanity...you are delighted with something so worthy of unconditional love. Sometimes it's just a look, or a smile, and other times it's those achievements that make you absolutely beam with pride that you're doing an alright job! I know this is a 'one day at a time' part of the journey, not just for Tri, but for myself. I have always prided myself on taking in every moment, enjoying each day that passes by too quickly with my kids. This time around I need to really make it a point to be patient with myself as well.
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